A Quasi-Epiphany

I've been dilly dallying with deciding what I really want to do in the next two years for a little over 13 months now. I think I've attributed it to the fact that life has gotten so comfortable and familiar, that I'm scared to move out of my comfort zone. Both my options have unknowns attached to them. I like both. I'd like to pursue both. But my recent run-ins with the review sloth has revealed that I'm not really focused.

Apart from Paolo, Irene has been my career voice of reason lately. She's pursuing her own dreams, and she's become an inspiration to me. I was talking to her yesterday and I had a mini, quasi-epiphany (mini na nga, quasi pa). We were moving from one topic to another. She was saying, "You need to decide. And stick to that decision. And commit. If you really want it bad, make it work. Commit to it. Do all that you can to rid yourself of the what ifs and the maybes. Deng. There it was. I am afraid of commitment.

Mwahaha. Used to be super sure that I'm not the commitment phobic type. But lately, not just with work and with studying, I haven't totally committed myself. It's hard to commit when there are so many uncertainties about something or someone. On my part, most of it is unconscious, I guess. Although I do know for a fact, that if I do finally commit (as I am with my great friends and fabuloso family), I do everything I can to make it work.

Grouchy said I am not afraid of commitment. I'm just scared of stepping out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm not a risk taker either. Hehe.

What I have learned though, in the past 13 months, is not to take things too seriously. I've had a lot of great expectations last year which didn't exactly fall through as I had hoped. Today, I continue on with a new mindset. Sort of along the lines of "Que sera, sera." Not really too conscious or expectant. More putting myself out there and just being comfortable. I don't think I've lost anything.

One thing may change everything. Haha. Keyce and I share this sentiment. IT does trump everything.

So for those who are wondering where I'll be a year from now... Honestly, I do not know! And I'm kind of worried that I don't.